I notice that your publication is called Writing Guru. That’s why I’m contacting you to apply to be a writer. I’m sure you get a lot of applications from wannabe writers and I may fit into that well–populated category. To show you why you should consider me over those other wannabes, below please find the key reasons why I’m your best choice.

Writers don’t say things that I’ve never thought or said; they just say it better than I do. That’s why I’m only a wannabe, but not for long. I’m confident that spending time around other writers at Writing Guru will rub off.

I admit that the difference between me telling a story and writers telling the same story is that writers skip the boring parts and cut to the Chace, going straight to the interesting parts. I’m thinking that once I’m on board, other writers can point out the uninteresting parts of what I write, thus only the interesting parts will remain.

Another difference between me and writers is that while I’m watching my life pass by, the writers are taking notes. Well, I’m not much of a note taker, but I’ll work on it.

Another struggle I have is this. While I’m trying to answer one of life’s important questions, writers are identifying the important questions, leaving the answers for their readers to discover. That’s precisely why I’m not already a writer. Those writers are leaving the secret answer for me to discover. I figure that after I have been hired, you will make them tell me the secret.

The best I can do is to scratch the itch whereas a writer can get the itch to scratch itself. Now there’s that secret stuff again. I need to know how to do that trick and know you will encourage them to pass along their secret magic.

Here’s an important point for you to know. I would already be a writer if it weren’t for all of that damn paperwork. I’m hoping that you will assign an assistant for me who will do the paperwork, so I have time to create.

While I struggle to avoid making the obvious obscure, writers are making the obscure obvious. This one should be easy. You can just send me to a workshop or something. There’s no deep secret here. I just need to learn the steps.

Now this little glitch may be tougher than it looks. When I try to write a story, I start at the beginning; when writers tell a story, the end comes first and then nothing is left but to show their readers how and why things turned out that way. I don’t get it. How can I know how the story ends if I haven’t written it yet? I have to know that Humpty Dumpty was sitting on that wall before I could figure out that I would be telling the readers about just how incompetent the King’s horses and men were going to be when trying to reassemble Humpty. I’m thinking this is another one of those secrets writers are keeping to themselves.

Let’s move along. Here’s another potential glitch. I try to think of something to write about; writers write about something they are already thinking about. Just how meta is that? It makes it sound like for writers, writing and thinking are like two sides of a penny. That seems like writing and thinking are hooked together. It appears like just thinking of something and then writing it down won’t cut it. I’ll have to think and write at the same time. That assistant I mentioned earlier will come in handy here.

Here’s an easy one. Writing is saying everything you want to say; editing is removing everything that doesn’t need said. No problem here. Everything I write is golden so nothing will need to be removed. I only say things that need said.

I think this may be another one of those meta things. While I struggle with having nothing to say, writers struggle with figuring out the best way to say it. This makes it sound like writers are able to turn my nothing into something well said. If you will teach me how to do that, I will be a writer worthy of joining your team.

There are a couple of points that are causing me to hesitate. First, while flipping through your fine magazine, there is a flicker of doubt. I get the uneasy feeling that while I’m trying to find the motivation to sit down and write, writers can’t help themselves – they just write, even while they are still standing. I’m thinking I should take a short break for another cup of coffee while I consider that one. “A lot of work” is coming to mind. I want to relax until that silly notion goes away.

I’m also having the same reservation about the notion that to be a writer, one has to commit to reading a lot, thinking a lot, and to taking notes. I’m not sure about all that reading but at least I’ll have my assistant for all that note taking.

Here’s an idea. I’ve heard that the best way to know what I think is to write it down and then check back in a few days to see if I still believe it. If this works for you, I’ll send this along and then check back in a few days to let you know if being a writer is still in the cards for me. It sounds like an important decision that I shouldn’t rush.